Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
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Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Me trying to “trust the process”
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.