8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.