What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
You Might Also Like
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish