Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
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“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”