I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
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I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
im all 3
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Baller is short for ballerina
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”