Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
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Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?