A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”