“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
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ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.