TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
The best plant holders?
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.