Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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How and why my FUR ROOM exists
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Choose your fighter
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon