peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women