Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
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Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
is nasa ok