an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
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I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
it’s finally my moment to shine
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?