Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Him: What kind of idiot are you?
Me: I didn’t know I had a choice. What are the options?
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I can’t be the only one 😂
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.