The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
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It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”