Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
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Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
i love meeting boys on tinder
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.