best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
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“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When libraries troll their patrons.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.