AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
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Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Sing it!
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.