Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
You Might Also Like
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re