watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
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Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
lmfao
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.