me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
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Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Nigella has gone too far this time.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
#inspiration #foodforthought
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”