We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
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“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Good advice.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.