My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
You Might Also Like
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
get you a girl who
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.