Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
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my dad has had enough
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Google Pay be like:
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.