Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
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Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
#SCOTUS one-star review
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!