gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
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DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.