Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
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explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I love wikipedia
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
#StillHurts
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.