A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
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Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.