Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
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[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?