Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
water it, i dare you
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with