Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
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My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone