Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
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Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
thanksgiving in nutshell
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.