Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Teach your children to beatbox
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*