[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
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me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*watches the world burn*
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am