“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
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Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.