Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
You Might Also Like
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I’m calling the cops.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*