My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
You Might Also Like
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.