Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
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stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are