I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
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[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
😩😩😩
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?