Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
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Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
A double negative is a big no-no.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Bros before Ohioes
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
Oh no
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]