Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
True.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.