straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
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“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
[answers phone during date]
hi mom, no it’s not a bad time. breeding hips? yeah I’d say so. yes I ate all my salad
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.