How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
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[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.