Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
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Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
good let them take over I have had enough
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
RT if you could go either way.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?