Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.