[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
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If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Every work meeting this week
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
They’re stuck in your pants?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga