My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
You Might Also Like
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: