Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
No, YOUR illiterate.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night