these two trucks have the same bed length
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A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
real
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
live long and prosper!
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.