College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
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No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Tremendous stuff
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Doggies just call it style.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom